“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” — Leonard Cohen
Let me tell you something that will happen after you become a manager: you’re going to mess up. A lot. You’ll give feedback that lands wrong and crushes someone’s confidence. You’ll make a decision that seems logical but turns out to be completely misguided. You’ll forget that important thing you promised to do for someone on your team. You’ll lose your temper in a meeting when you should have stayed calm.
The real question isn’t whether you’ll make mistakes; it’s what you do after.
I recently read “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy, a parenting book that completely changed how I think about this. She talks about how the most important parenting skill isn’t being perfect — it’s repair. When you inevitably lose your patience with your kid or handle something poorly, what matters most is going back and fixing it. Acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility, and reconnecting.
Sound familiar? Because that’s what good management is about too.
Think about the worst manager you ever had. I bet they weren’t necessarily the ones who made the most mistakes. But they were probably the ones who never acknowledged them. Who doubled down when they were wrong. Who let their ego prevent them from admitting they didn’t have all the answers.
Here’s a pattern I see play out constantly: A manager commits to something without consulting the team. Maybe it’s a feature at a client demo, a timeline in a board meeting, or just a “small favor” for another department. The team scrambles to deliver, working nights and weekends. They make it happen, but barely, and with real costs: technical debt, burned-out engineers, resentment building.
What happens next determines everything. The manager who never acknowledges what they put the team through? That’s how you lose your best people. But the manager who comes back and says, “I put you in an impossible position. I should have consulted you first. I’m sorry for the stress that caused, and here’s how I’ll handle it differently next time”, that manager builds trust even through the mistake.
I’ve been on both sides of this. As an engineer, I watched managers make the same mistakes over and over again, never acknowledging the chaos they created. As a manager, I’ve been the one creating that chaos 🥲. The difference in outcomes is massive; when you own your mistakes completely and specifically, something unexpected happens: your team trusts you more, not less.
Here’s what repair looks like in practice:
- Be specific about what you did wrong. Not “mistakes were made” or “things could have gone better.” But “I interrupted you three times in that meeting and dismissed your concerns. That was wrong.”
- Don’t make it about you. This isn’t the time for a long explanation of your stress levels or why you acted that way. Save that for your therapist or your own manager. The repair is about acknowledging the impact on the other person.
- Actually change the behavior. An apology without changed behavior is just empty words. If you keep making the same “mistake,” it’s not a mistake anymore; it’s a choice.
- Give it time. One conversation doesn’t instantly repair broken trust. It’s a starting point, not a finish line. You have to consistently show up differently.
The beautiful thing about getting comfortable with repair is that it actually makes you better as a manager. When you know you can fix things when they go wrong, you’re more willing to make decisions, have difficult conversations, and take reasonable risks. You stop being paralyzed by perfectionism because you know that most mistakes, while serious, create opportunities for growth and stronger relationships when handled well.
This doesn’t mean being reckless or careless. It doesn’t mean making the same mistakes repeatedly. And it definitely doesn’t mean using repair as a get-out-of-jail-free card for being a shitty manager.
What it means is accepting that you’re human, that management is complex, and that you won’t always get it right. Your job isn’t to be perfect. Your job is to ship working software that adds real value to users, to help your team grow, and to create an environment where people can do their best work.
Sometimes you’ll fail at those things. When you do, you repair, you learn, and you keep going.